Monday, May 9, 2011

let it go

 (source)
 Hmm. I'm sitting here at 9:15pm on a Sunday evening listening to my thoughts while heavy torrential rain pours down on my rooftop; making a perfect setup for this heavy heart of mine to write on such a topic that I feel the need to press on for a little bit. For the past four years the words "let it go" has been three words that I found very hard to say at times. I thought by now that it would somehow be embedded in my skin so much so that I could wear it on my sleeve, literally. So here's a little dip into my personal, very personal, part of my life; one place and time that I like to keep locked. But like I said, I feel the need to share. Here it goes.

In 2007, my heart got broken by some guy who I thought had the potential to be the coveted title of "The One", but ahh it turns out he wasn't. After the initial knife-to-the-heart I felt as if I had been gutted and left for dead (I know, sometimes I can be a drama queen) and I screamed "WOE IS ME" every chance I had. Granted, every person, male or female, has the right to feel like that... we can sulk a bit. But then--wait for it, here's those words again--I just couldn't let it go. I tried to be a tough cookie the girl my parents raised me to be, but I couldn't shake it. So, instead of the attitude of "onward soldier" I went backwards, emotionally. "Backwards" being a big understatement. Whatever was going on in the inside was a complete polar opposite of what was going on on the outside. My soul and heart were hurting but my smile was perfect. My eyes ached from crying, but my words were happy. You know, I faked everything. I pretended to care. I pretended to be happy about other people's lives...

So, there I was, being someone I never was before. Heartbreak was new to me, these emotions were being birthed and I gladly milked it for whatever it was worth. I felt as if my heartbreak had empowered me to be a complete jerk to the guy that hurt me and because of this my heart, until now, never really worked the same. I began to build walls to block out anyone and everyone; even the people I loved the most. I started to drift away from the calling that God has placed over my life. I became distant from... my own heart, the place that I thought was always safe.

From there, I began to dwell on "rejection" and "worthlessness" and even more my emotions spiraled into what I thought was it's own demise. But then one day, while I was in Texas at Bible school (back in '08, a year after the "heartbreak") I began to feel different and I noticed that I could breathe again. I noticed that I didn't really think much about this person and all of the junk that had happened. So I asked God to really show me who I was in Him, who he created me to be and with that came freedom and the ability to completely surrender my emotions and my fear and doubt to God. When I did that and made the conscious choice to do so, I was finally able to let it go.
Since then, I've been a complete work-in-progress (which I'll always be). That sense of rejection and loneliness has gone away and I haven't been more happier with my life! I've learned to embrace my singleness cause I know God has got the man I've always wanted, He's always got the best! Yes, he does. But I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I take the memory lane back to that hard time in life, and I remember it all, but I don't stay there long... I keep going and I keep loving God, loving my family, loving myself. 
I want you to know that to truly let it go you have to give it to God and know that he'll take care of your every need. Ev-er-y need. Yep, all of it. It's not gonna be easy, but what fight is easy? what trial is easy? It's never easy, but fighting till the end and knowing that with God you can do it, there is no better feeling. The freedom it leaves you with... there are no words. In parting, I leave you with one of my favorite songs that, when I had no words, it said it for me. 
Love to you all.

3 comments:

  1. beautiful...thanks for sharing!

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  2. Tyresa JaneMay 09, 2011

    There's so much healing in your vulnerability; healing for self and others. You just tore down walls and there is freedom in that! Thanks for sharing your authentic heart with the world!! Love u.

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  3. Thank you for sharing. such honesty...Im glad you made it through :) big hug.

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