Saturday, February 4, 2012

the heaviness of a heart

For some odd reason, I always get the unction to start writing right when 10pm hits. I think it's because of the quietness of the house and the silence consumes me and carries me off to a far place where I can actually hear all the things that I long to hear throughout the busyness of my day. Tonight, like many other nights like this, my heart is heavy and somewhat emotional. I could almost cry just to let out my frustration with life but then I could cry because while being in Italy, I remembered how much God has blessed me with life, family and friends. I'm kind of teeter-tottering between the two and although I'd like to just pick one to be all emotional over, I can't. It's like I'm at one end of the see-saw waiting for another person - not particularly "the one" - to help me find the balance between the two. And I can hear God saying to me... 

"I'm right here. I never left you. I'm here carrying you through the good, the bad and the ugly. Stop worrying about your frustrations and struggles, I'm here to help you deal with them. WE are going to get through this. You are not alone."

Even if I can still think about my circumstances and frustration, my heart swims in the ocean of peace and surrender. All because God loves me, even when I mess up and stray - He loves me.

And, it's not because I got to go to Italy or because I have a good job or because I have an abundance of family and friends to support me that makes me a blessed woman - although, all of those things are a blessing - it's the fact that I know that no matter what I go through in life, Jesus will always love me. He will always be in love with me. He could never give me anything ever again except his love, and I'd still be a blessed woman. 

"Then the see-saw went back and forth, and she rode with confidence and faith knowing that everything will be alright..."

1 comment:

  1. I have lots of those moments -- I have to constantly remind myself that I have a life worth celebrating, even when things are getting me down. It doesn't always work and sometimes I can't help but be so frustrated/sad/angry/stressed that I'm overwhelmed with negativity. I just try to keep those moments few and far between.