Wednesday, March 5, 2014

the struggles

I've had so much on my heart lately. Like most days. Most weeks. Mostly, all the time. My heart is always so heavy with the things that surround me: family, friends, work, church, ministry, travels. Once, I thought it to be a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply. Ah. Sometimes I still think that to be true. 

I feel everything. Every emotion. Every pain. Every situation. I feel it all. To be honest, part of me enjoys it because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel. Makes a lot of things tangible to me. When someone comes to me and asks for advice or needs to empty their heavy heart, I take it all in. Every single weight of their words, I tend to carry it on my back. In my heart. It gives me a sense of a rush because I feel like I can help them in some way, shape or form. I can help them find a solution. I can help. 

But...

When that rush stops. When the floodgates are closed and the water sits. I let it. I allow it to settle in my heart, to dig roots into my life. And the moment when I was supposed to let it go, I held onto it. And what does it do to me? 

It consumes me...
It consumes my thoughts...
my words...
It consumes me...

It travels to the deepest places in my heart and weighs me down. Makes me heavy. Heavy with thought, heavy with emotion and heavy with anguish. Good anguish, bad anguish. Over the years, I've learned to take the bad, the heaviness and turn it for good. 

"Che', I have a problem..."

"Okay, let's find a solution... let me pray for you..."

That has been my solution to my heaviness. Finding out what God can do to help. Ultimately, when he takes that problem and covers it with his love and his grace... He covers me too. He takes my burdens and make them light. He takes my heavy heart and gives me freedom. 

So yes, the struggle is real. But so is my Jesus. 

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

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